So, things were going along well. I felt at peace with where we were, the waiting stage was just fine, after all we finally at least had a chance at getting selected.
Then last Thursday came and I got into a funk...and I can't fully understand why. Jamie commented that we are getting in Christmas card after Christmas card with 2, 3, 4 kids per family on them. Maybe that's getting to me? Last year we hung up our Christmas stockings thinking we'd have another this year. Nope, didn't happen, grief, grief, grief. We're approaching the anniversary of the day we found out that baby #4 wasn't alive. I'm eating more and exercising less. I was secretly holding out for a Christmas miracle. It's the end of the year, another babyless year. I told myself 2011 was going to be better than 2010, but I was wrong.
But, our life is good! We have so much! We have each other, wonderful family and friends, good jobs, HEALTH! Why the funk? I feel so ungrateful.
On Friday I woke up and told myself that I had to keep going for our future child, if we gave up now, that wouldn't be fair for the child that was meant to be in our home. During this entire process, I've been honest in that we want a baby...badly. We want a bigger family, it's about our hopes and dreams. We didn't make this decision to help someone (although we are truly helpful, giving, loving people). We will, of course, raise our adopted child with unconditional love and do everything we can to make the best life possible for our children. For now I think I have to focus on what we can do for a child--what we can provide. Knowing that we will provide the child we adopt with the best life possible may be just the thing keeping me going for a while. Moving away from the thought that we are doing this for ourselves may be the trick. I hope so.
After pondering in bed for a while, I walked out to our Christmas tree and saw this:
The weekend was good. We had fun with friends, skated on the lake, enjoyed Griffin's Christmas program at church and spent time with our family.
I thought I was bouncing back.
Then today I was struggling, I just didn't feel right emotionally. I felt weepy. On the way home from work, I had tears and tears streaming down my face. What happened!? Weeks ago I was tearing up on the way to work thinking about holding our baby and seeing him/her for the first time. I kept thinking of people I know with living with other disappointments in their life, things not working out how they had hoped, planned for or expected. And, now I feel defeated, like that happy ending may never come our way. This is all part of it, I'm sure. At some point I'll feel better, I know I will. But, for now I'm sick of limbo, I want dirty diapers to change.
Thank you to a few great friends (+ my best friend, Jamie) that listened and are lifting me up today.
And now, at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I will click "Publish Post".